CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I think this cat is broken
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.