GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It鈥檚 pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY鈥橪L MAKE THE EFFORT
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caff猫 Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Wife says I shouldn鈥檛 look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can鈥檛 wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer鈥檚 Market.