Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy