starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…