My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.