*swipes right on my hand mirror
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?