Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.