[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?