I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.