A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes