Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.