job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You can’t outrun your problems…
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
being a writer on Twitter:
We avoided this particular disaster
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth