Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet