Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
life finds a way
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Lmfaoooooo
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.