*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.