I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Customize Your Wedding.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows