I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*puts cutlery down*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes