“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.