If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Good boy 😂😂
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.