I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.