The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Brilliant!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Don’t tell me what to do
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens