Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen