Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
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Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
This line from Airplane.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms