Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
You Might Also Like
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up