I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
This guy’s not having it 😆
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
spot the difference
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!