Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.