Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.