It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
*skinny dips into black hole
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t