Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.