[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
watergate? u mean a dam??
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest