My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”