I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
This is my cat’s medicine.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep