*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
i now pronounce you bounced.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?