[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Love it! 👍😂
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge