Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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What鈥檚 this sorcery? 馃槀
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
According to math, I’m broke
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Living the best life.. 馃槉
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend鈥檚 house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he鈥檚 just not that into you
The booster protects against what, now?
I still can鈥檛 believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I鈥檓 going back to bed
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: I鈥檓 late, I鈥檓 late for a very important date!
Date: 馃檪
Fig: 馃檨
Prune: bro, lol
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing鈥檚 different.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎