It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”