My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Ah yes. The three genders
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
That’s amazing.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Science memes
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’