I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Alexa: *deep breath*
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
are there any atheist mantises?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt