Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Lassie, get help!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Free him
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.