experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
This is I, Robot all over again
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
dutch so unserious
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?