Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The dark side of Canada
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!