[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves