nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Ghost costume 😂
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?