When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.