Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.