Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Accurate
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.