[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The Backseat Boys
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt