i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
You Might Also Like
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
There’s always that one guy
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Erm I’m gonna say no
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.