Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.