Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.